Bible

For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God, this is your spiritual act of worship.  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Book: "What are we up to, sweetheart?" River: "Fixing your Bible." Book: "I, um...(alarmed)...what?" River: "Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make sense." (she's marked up the bible, crossed out passages) Book: "No, no. You - you can't... River: "So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem." Book: "Really?" River: "We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat." (rips out page)

Zoe: "Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing? Book: "Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps."

"Then the dust will return to the earth as it was, and the spirit will return to God who gave it."

Jesus was an alien magician.

He who carries God in his heart bears heaven with him wherever he goes.

[The Bible is] an oral history.  It was passed down word of mouth, father to son, from Adam to Seth, from Seth to Enos, from Enos to Cainan, for forty generations, a growing changing story… until Moses finally gets it down on lambskin.  But lambskins wear out, and need to be recopied.  Copies of copies of copies of copies of copies of copies of copies of an oral history passed down through forty generations.  From Hebrew it's translated into Arabic, from Arabic to Latin, from Latin to Greek, from Greek to Russian, from Russian to German, from German to an old form of English that you could not read .... You can't put a grocery list through that many translations, copies, and retellings, and not expect to have some big changes in the dinner menu when the kids make it back from Kroger.  And yet people are killing each other over this written word.  Here's a tip: if you're killing someone in the name of God, you're missing the message.

The matter is quite simple.  The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers.  We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand we are obliged to act accordingly.  Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly.  My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined.  Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship.  Christian scholarship is the Church’s prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close.  Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God.  Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament.

Moses then said to God, "Look, if I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,"'and they say to me, "What is his name?" what am I to tell them?' God said to Moses, 'I am he who is.'