Steven Wright

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 mile per hour, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark 'til he was eight years old.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.