Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 mile per hour, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark 'til he was eight years old.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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