The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark 'til he was eight years old.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
My girlfriend has a Queen-size bed. . . . I have a Court Jester size bed. . . . It's red and green, has bells on it . . . and the ends curl up.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
Copyright © 2015 Gaiam, Inc.