Smoking cures weight problems . . . eventually.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
So what's the speed of dark?
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Sorry . . . my mind was wandering . . . One time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
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