I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. I eat it from the inside out.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. . . . So I had to buy them again.
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