I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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