Matt Groening

Homer [giving fatherly advice to Bart on the topic of fighting]: "First, you have to shriek like a woman. Then, when he turns his head in disgust, it's time to kick some back! And after you do that, step on his neck, and run like hell."

I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T...I mean S-M-A-R-T!

Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.

Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come.