Joan Rivers

Oh, grow up!

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes- and six months later you have to start all over again.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief, and, mostof all, fear.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I'm Jewish. It don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over he'd have put diamonds on the floor.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.