Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

Chandler announces that he is sailing for Uruguay. Spaulding delivers a memorable pun: "Well, you go Uruguay and I'll go mine."

One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I don't know.

Whoever named necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.