If it was him in those pictures with the monkey, he could look at them every day and think: If I could do this, I could do anything. No matter what else you came up against, if you could smile and laugh while a monkey did you with chestnuts in a dank concrete basement and somebody took pictures, well, any other situation would be a piece of cake. Even hell. More and more, for the stupid little kid, that was the idea... That if enough people looked at you, you'd never need anybody's attention again. That if someday you were caught, exposed, and revealed enough, then you'd never be able to hide again. There'd be no difference between your public and private lives. That if you could aquire enough, accomplish enough, you'd never want to own or do another thing. That if you eat or sleep enough, you'd never need more. That if enough people loved you, you'd stop needing love. That you could ever be smart enough. That you could someday get enough sex. These all became the little boy's new goals. The illusions he'd have for the rest of his life. These were all the promises he saw in the fat man's smile.
How torture is torture and humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer. "Savior" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. And it's funny how when somebody saves you, the first thing you want to do is save other people. All other people. Everybody.
We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Heros or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it's our job to invent something better.
We don't need women. There are plenty other things in the world to have sex with, just go to a sexaholics meeting and take notes. There's microwaved watermelons. There's the vibrating handles of lawn mowers right at crotch level. There's vacuum cleaners and beanbag chairs. Internet sites. All those old chat room sex hounds pretending to be sixteen-year-old girls. For serious, old FBI guys makes the sexiest cyberbabes.