Dear Arielle and Brian,
One year ago, I discovered that my husband and my best friend were having an affair. As you can imagine, I was heart-broken and devastated and left him. I was fortunate to find a great coach who has been helping me work through the pain and grief, and I finally feel like I am ready for new love. Some days I am happy and sunny again and anticipating a future with a new man. But other days, I wake up sad and lonely and convinced I’ll never find love again. What am I doing wrong?
Thanks for you help,
We’re so sorry for the betrayal and terrible time that you went through. Getting a coach was a smart move, and guess what, you’re not doing anything wrong. Given what happened, it’s natural to have feelings of sadness, anger or resignation pop up from time to time. Here are some suggestions on how to move through the experience:
1) Get out the egg timer and set it for five minutes.
2) For five minutes, close your eyes and dive deep into the feelings that are coming up for you. Don’t resist on any level, just allow yourself to embrace the full (possibly unpleasant) experience of your sadness, anger, doubt, etc. Look and see where in your body the feelings reside, feel them and then see if you can feel them even more intensely.
3) Breathe deeply during this process, and with each exhale, breathe out the emotion while silently saying to yourself thank you and goodbye.
Chances are before the five minutes are up, all or most of these feelings will have dissipated. This is because you have stopped “resisting” feeling those feelings and you allowed yourself to be fully present with what was true for you in that moment.
4) Now, get out your journal and make a list of three things you can do in the next week that will make someone else’s life better. This can be anything from taking an elderly neighbor shopping, to serving food at a shelter, to a variety of random acts of kindness.
Our favorite line from A Course in Miracles is this: “The only thing that can be lacking in any situation is that which you are not giving.” Want more love? Give love. You get the idea. As you begin to experience more and more love in your daily life, you will find your heart will ripen and open up and you will get back into the game of love … again … and find the soulmate of your dreams.
Arielle & Brian
E-mail your questions about life, love and relationships to Arielle and Brian at firstname.lastname@example.org.