The “Ex” Factor: Shift Your Perspective

Cynthia James by Cynthia James | May 14th, 2010 | No Comments
topic: Personal Growth, Relationships

I was talking to someone recently who did not want an “ex” to be involved in an event where their child was participating.

When asked what I thought of this, I responded that I thought it was an old way of thinking.

I have been divorced and it has never served the children to have the parents in “righteous, emotional camps” of pain, distrust and fear. I told this person I never wanted to have the breakup create a space where the children could not feel safe to share experiences with both parents. Then, this person shared, “That is the way it is. People break up and they stop doing things together.”

At that moment, my stomach hurt and it made me think about the old relational patterns that continue to plague us as a culture. Many of us actually believe that a shift in a relationship means that we cannot be loving or trusting with one another.

We meet, fall in love, create families, have challenges, break up and then move into our “corners.” Wow! Isn’t that interesting? The key factor in this, for me, is that we create families. We bring children into the world and then allow our differences to force them into difficult choices. They must choose one parent or the other. They must try to figure out which person will be invited to which event. This saddens me because I lived this experience as a child. I didn’t want to choose. I wanted to share my wins and my life with both parents, but their pain was too formidable to overcome.

A new way of being in relationships

Many of us talk about wanting to experience a life that is whole and connected. I place before you today a point of contemplation. The kinds of actions that I have just described will never support us or our children in creating a new way of being in relationships.

I think it is time for us all to grow up, find a way to overcome our differences and create a world where children understand that “Love is eternal. Form changes, but love can last and be supportive for all concerned.” I say, we must do our own emotional work and stop blaming one another for not giving us what we want. Our children deserve more and so do we.

Take a moment to remember this:

Today, I embrace a new way of being. I open to creating spaces of honor and respect. I claim a new way of being in relationship with myself and others.

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