differentiation

Hugging till relaxed is elegant and simple. THe basics require four sentences: stand on your own two feet. Put your arms around your partner. Focus on yourself. Quiet yourself down - way down.

The real power of hugging till relaxed comes in realizing that it's both a window offering a clear view of the level of differentiation in your relationship and a useful tool for developing more differentiation. It's a perfect example of using touch to grow yourself up by learning to enjoy togetherness and separateness...

Differentiation is your ability to stand on your own two feet, physically and emotionally, when you are close to others. It allows you to stay close while your partner 'bounces off the wall.' If you can quiet yourself while your partner is flooding with anxiety, you don't have to move away or make him or her feel differently in order to control your own emotions. You can stay near - all you need to do is calm yourself down.

Contrary to what most of us believe, happiness does not simply happen to us. It's something that we make happen, and it results from doing our best. Feeling fulfilled when we live up to our potentialities is what motivates differentiation and leads to evolution.