I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
W. C. Fields (1879 - 1946)
Contributed by: Zaady
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
Source: W. C. Fields, Rowdy King of Comedy, by Robert L. Taylor.
Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad.
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had nothing to live on but food and water.
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