W. C. Fields

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had nothing to live on but food and water.