Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields (1879 - 1946)
Contributed by: Jordan
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Contributed by: Zaady
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks. Evidently had a low opinion of Philadelphia
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
Source: W. C. Fields, Rowdy King of Comedy, by Robert L. Taylor.
Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad.
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