W. C. Fields

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks. Evidently had a low opinion of Philadelphia

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.