My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 mile per hour, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
My dog is an East German Shepherd.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
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