Steven Wright

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. . . . [picks up his glass of water from the stool] . . . I like to live on the edge. . . .

This isn't all true.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many is research.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!