The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. . . . [picks up his glass of water from the stool] . . . I like to live on the edge. . . .
This isn't all true.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many is research.
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
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