Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Source: see Olivier
Contributed by: Zaady
For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars. . . ."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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