Steven Wright

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars. . . ."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.