Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. . . . So I had to buy them again.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.