Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes"

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

What do batteries run on?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.