I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I bought a ticket on Airline Bizarre . . . a one-way round-trip ticket. . . . You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday. . . . that way, you still have the weekend.
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. . . . So I had to buy them again.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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