Steven Wright

1955 -

A Quote by Steven Wright on justice and people

I just installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on plants

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I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on love and needs

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I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on food

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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on purpose and trying

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on information

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on water

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I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on lawyers and luck

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on curiosity, justice, motherhood, sleep, thought, and time

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

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