I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. . . . Perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. I eat it from the inside out.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"
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