Steven Wright

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I just installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.