I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
I just installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. The harmonica sounds 'amazing.'
I had my coat hangers spayed.
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