Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. . . . Perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I just installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. The harmonica sounds 'amazing.'