I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
I have a map of the United States . . . actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile" I spent last summer folding it.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. . . . Perhaps you've seen it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
I just installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
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