I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. The harmonica sounds 'amazing.'
I had my coat hangers spayed.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I have a map of the United States . . . actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile" I spent last summer folding it.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. . . . Perhaps you've seen it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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