Steven Wright

1955 -

A Quote by Steven Wright on dogs

in

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on birth and death

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on automobiles

I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out. . . . Now I can go 300 mph.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on time

in

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on automobiles

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on world

in

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. . . . Perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

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