I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out. . . . Now I can go 300 mph.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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