Steven Wright

1955 -

A Quote by Steven Wright on machines and money

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on dogs

in

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on birth and death

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on automobiles

I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out. . . . Now I can go 300 mph.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on time

in

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on automobiles, home, and machines

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

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