Steven Wright

1955 -

A Quote by Steven Wright on thinking

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on understanding

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said, "Oops . . . "

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on mind

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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on time

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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

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A Quote by Steven Wright

I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

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A Quote by Steven Wright on automobiles

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

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A Quote by Steven Wright on bankers and time

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on day and friendship

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

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