Steven Wright

1955 -

A Quote by Steven Wright

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. . . . Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on justice

in

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on mountains and skiing

I was on a ski lift with another person . . . no one I knew . . . and he didn't say a word until we were half way up the mountain . . . then he said, "I haven't been skiing in ten years." I said, "How come?" He said, "I was in jail." I didn't say anything. He said, "You wanna know why?" I said, "Not really." He said, "I'll tell you anyway . . . I was jailed for pushing a complete stranger off a ferris wheel."

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on people and rest

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on sales

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I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on advertising

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on machines and money

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on dogs

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I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

A Quote by Steven Wright on birth and death

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

Steven Wright (1955 -)

Contributed by: Zaady

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