Steven Wright

I walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and I said, "Do you live around here often?" And she said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." And I said, "I know, but to me they're the same, I go by thickness."

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. . . . Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.