Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

If its tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" I said, "I don't know . . . let me ask Tony."

I wrote a few children's books . . . not on purpose.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours" He said, "Yes, but not in a row"

I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."