If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
If its tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" I said, "I don't know . . . let me ask Tony."
I wrote a few children's books . . . not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
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