Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out"

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" I said, "I don't know . . . let me ask Tony."

I wrote a few children's books . . . not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes . . .