In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out"
Steven Wright (1955 -)
Contributed by: Zaady
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
If its tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" I said, "I don't know . . . let me ask Tony."
I wrote a few children's books . . . not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
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