Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song . . . the guy who wrote that, wrote everything.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. . . . If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

What do batteries run on?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What's another word for Thesaurus?