Scott Adams (Dilbert)

Catbert, Evil Director of Human Resources [Talking to Pointy-Haired Boss]: "You don't need to reward employees. Just torture them less. It will feel the same as a reward."

Pointy-Haired Boss [to Tina]: "Tina, we need a few minor edits on our product brochure. We've discovered our product causes hallucinations and sterility. See if you can put a positive spin on that."

Stupid Person [talking to Dilbert, who must pass the test of withstanding stupidity]: "My computer screen says, 'Press any key to continue.' Can I borrow your keys? Mine are locked in my Yugo. I could break the driver's side window...But it's bad enough that the windshield is gone."

I wish, I wish, I wish I had a spine.

Do you see this thimble? I keep my morale in it.

Asok the Intern: "I have a question about this document marked "Proprietary". If I spent my whole life searching, do you think I would find anyone who would care about it?"

Dilbert [in his cubicle]: I ask for so little. [Pause] And boy do I get it.

Watch me not care

Okay, let me explain this in the simplest possible way...you...are...an...idiot.

I can only think of one thing worse than having all of my stuff stolen. And that is having some of it returned.