Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

My mother buried three husbands . . . and two of them were only napping.

A good place to meet men is at the dry cleaners. These men have jobs and usually bathe.

I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."  

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.