P.J. O'Rourke

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did.

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

Never fight an inanimate object.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

Imagine of all of life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza. Every pair of pants, even those in a Brooks Brothers suit, would be stonewashed denim. Celebrity diet and exercise books would be the only thing on library shelves. And-since women are a majority of the population-we'd all be married to Mel Gibson.

People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.