Johnny Carson

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.