George Burns

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Life's but a day at most.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

You can't help getting older but you don't have to get old.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.