Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.

If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard - let him worry about cutting it.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Where were you fellows when the paper was blank?