Fred Allen

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.

Committee - A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.  

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.