My Soulmate Betrayed Me … Is It Over?

Arielle Ford by Arielle Ford | June 18th, 2010 | 16 Comments
topic: Personal Growth, Relationships

Dear Arielle & Brian,

Three months ago, I discovered that my husband of six years has been having a year-long affair with a woman he met on a trip to Phoenix where he often travels for business. He has apologized to me and swears he has broken up with this woman. I feel enraged, betrayed, devastated and heartbroken. I truly believed we were soulmates. Now he wants me to simply forgive and forget. He says he has apologized, and I need to get over it. I still love him, but I no longer trust him, and I don’t know what to do. Is it over?

Julia

Dear Julia,

We are so sorry for your pain, and we are sending you a giant cosmic hug. For whatever reason, whether it’s guilt, shame or ignorance, your husband can’t be with your feelings, which is why he is hoping that you will just get over it. We want you to know that the emotions you are experiencing are perfectly normal and natural. While there are no broken bones or black and blue bruises on your physical body, the trauma to your mind, spirit and psyche is the equivalent of having been in a major car accident. It’s important for you to first and foremost find a trusted therapist to help you work through your feelings and guide you through the healing process. Now is not the time to make any life-changing decisions about your marriage, but it is a time for self-love, self-nurturing and reflection. Just as it can take weeks or months for a broken bone to heal, so too will it take time to heal from this betrayal. Give yourself the time to heal and the space you need to express and explore your feelings.

We know of several incidents where one party in a soulmate relationship cheated and they eventually worked their way back into forgiveness, love and joy, but it doesn’t happen overnight. There is no timetable to healing your heart. You said you still love your husband, and it’s important to know that you can still love him — the imperfect human — while not condoning his behavior. Hopefully he will be willing to enter therapy with you and to actively take responsibility for what he has done. Whether he does that or not, we strongly and lovingly suggest that you commit to doing whatever it takes to heal yourself and surround yourself with friends and family who love you and have your best interests at heart.

Many blessings,
Arielle & Brian

SoulmateSecret.com

Email your questions about life, love and relationships to Arielle & Brian at soulmatesecret@yahoo.com.

Comments

  1. If he feels you need to “get over it,” then he is more than ready to do it again. You do not need to go through the pain just for his pleasure of affairs. Trust is a big thing; once it’s broken, the communication goes right out the window, too. It’s not fair to you to give him another chance. Your husband is now negative energy and you need to rid yourself of any negative aspects. I apologize if these words hurt. I’m not sorry that I said them, for I believe them to be true.

    shane | June 20th, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  2. I feel the letter-writer’s pain. Trust violations are devastating and it’s a long road back to being able to trust again. And with a spouse who expects you to immediately “unlearn” the painful lesson that he can’t be trusted with your heart, it’s harder still.
    I experienced this first-hand…and created a Web site to help other betrayed wives find their way back into the light again…and to trust their hearts. http://www.betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com is a safe place to share feelings and learn what other women have done to heal their own hearts. It’s the chance to get clear on creating boundaries around your healing – what you need from him and what you can expect of yourself.
    I hope you’ll visit.

    Elle | June 21st, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  3. julian if yo really do love your husband then i think you should give him another chance ,and do remember one thing …..Till death do we part as you said to him

    Andres | June 24th, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  4. I don’t know, if your soulmate is supposed to be hot for you and have your best interests in mind, would s/he cheat on you?

    Odds are your hubby wasn’t your soulmate.

    (((Julia)))

    Kewi | June 25th, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  5. I am probably one of the rare ones who’ve been lucky enough to get past an incident like yours. My husband of six years (ironic, huh?) told me he was unhappy and ultimately, I discovered that the reason why was that someone from his past had come back into his life. We separated, were apart for the year it took to get a divorce, and throughout the separation, we went back and forth about whether we could work things out. When I came to the conclusion that I was ready to move on and the divorce was a month away, he realized that he had blown his marriage and started asking for me to help get the relationship back. I wasn’t going to, and we divorced. Then he started going to therapy and it was clear that he was honestly trying to make amends. I went with him, we worked very hard on communication issues, I forgave him, and we renewed our commitment to each other six months later. That was a year ago, and I couldn’t be happier.

    Dawn | June 30th, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  6. I am in a long term relationship with someone who truly is my soulmate- and it is a rare find but its proof you can have it.
    The relationship you had with your husband of 6 years was not a soulmate experience, if it was he never would have cheated, PERIOD. Do not kid yourself in to believing otherwise, even if you felt it, he obviously didnt. I feel for your pain, and the betrayal you are dealing with but I promise you, that you deserve better and should not even consider taking him back. I can only imagine what it would be like to be in your situation, and ive thought about it many times over the years, what I would do, and I came up with that people ARE human, and they can unintentionally screw up…ONCE… but a man having a year long affair with another woman while his wife continues to believe they have this soulmate bond/marriage- is a man INTENTIONALLY causing you grief for his own greed- PERIOD…he isnt sorry, he just got caught, and you cannot believe a word he says, afterall he has been lying to your face a long time. Hug yourself, kick him to the curb and find TRUE happiness with a man who would NEVER even dream of cheating on you- you CAN have true happiness like I have found- so go get it. (I was 39 when I met my love, he is 13 years older- i had been abused in a past relationship, and had to be caretaker to an immmature mate in another…to find a man who knows how to be a good friend, lover and father, was something I thought I was only possible in a dream, but I found it and HIS parents whove been together since teenagers, are a perfect example, that it CAN last forever, after 4 years, we are just as happy as when we fell in love with NO red flags…the future is looking awesome, so go get that for yourself!!) hugs!

    Rabbitinred | July 1st, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  7. Ok, I’ve been on both sides. I’ve learned that a “soulmate” is there to teach us, not to make things “happily ever after”. What we are longing for is the unconditional pre-birth feeling of oneness. Then we expect someone outside of ourselves to make it happen. SURPRISE! He is not bad, she is not bad and neither are you. This is a chance to learn about yourself. To learn about forgiveness, to find that place inside yourself that hurts and betrays yourself. This is a deep well, not for wimps. It takes great courage, but it’s worth it.
    It is my understanding that marriage was created by men for ownership and guarentees that offspring (boys) who inherit were actually “his”. This seems no very grown up to me. I am free, 65, and my husband is free, 83, to make choices that are good for myself/ himself. To be together by choice is really nice. There’s lots more I could say, but I hope you will begin to choose another perspective that wat is common in our culture. Love to you on your journey.

    GINGER | July 3rd, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  8. I have gone through this.

    Learn to love yourself first and you will see all will be fine.

    As long as you love yourself then all will just fall in place.

    No one can love you apart form yourself, so just learn to love yourself with all your heart and soul.

    Someone | July 8th, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  9. In the book, Radical Forgiveness, author Colin Tipping puts forth that every person we encounter in a lifetime, our souls have previously agreed to the role(s) we will play. By that theory, a soulmate is the person with whom we make a significant soul-conscious agreement to provide the circumstances necessary to learn the lessons of this incarnation. In that respect, as another responder comments here, there is no right or wrong, bad or good. It is what it is.
    If you don’t buy into the reincarnation and soul agreements (I assume you do, though since you believe there are soulmates), it simply translates that on a subconscious level, we seek out those people who will teach us what we desire to learn.
    So there are two sides to this. What life lessons did you, and are you providing to your husband in this scenario? The answer to “what lessons can we both learn from this?” are the solution to your dilemma.
    On a more gut level – you can work toward re-building trust. You tell him exactly what you need to start regaining that trust – for instance, complete transparency, all his cell phone records, all credit card records, cash withdrawls, etc. – if he wants to rebuild your relationship, he will submit to this arrangement until you feel safe again. Mind you, it’s not something that can go on forever. If you find that it is impossible to trust him ever again – the relationship may have to end. BUT you do deserve a reasonable amount of time where he plays by your rules.
    You might want to try reading Radical Forgiveness together – it is a mind and heart opening revelation.

    JudithAnn | July 20th, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  10. I too have been on both sides. I believe a soulmate exists but there is also work involved that noone ever expects. Thinking you are going to find someone who is never going to hurt you in anyway is wishful thinking for as much as they know you, they cannot read your mind.
    The hardest part i think is learning to trust where trust is broken. He has to realize that there is work to be done on his part. He has to work at proving himself and rebuilding his faith in you. You have to learn to believe him again. No easy task to be sure but looked at a different way, if he does realize his mistake and is being faithful and true, he doesnt deserve to hear endless accounts of how bad he was. Noone wants to be bullied endlessly.
    Give yourself a time frame to make it work. Its easy to cut and run but what does that prove if you run from problems? Give yourself a year or six months even to make a choice but then make one. Being stuck in limbo is a painful place to be and does noone any good.

    Jan | July 20th, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  11. “It is better to be trusted than to be loved.” Where there is no trust there is no love, so you either forgive and move on, but you cannot love without trusting, they go hand and hand.

    L. Nickel | July 21st, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  12. Julia -

    You’ve received some lovely advice here from JudithAnne, GINGER, Jan and others so I won’t repeat what they’ve written, just to say that I hope you’ll choose to follow your own inner whispers.

    On resources as you work through this, consider reading Linda Brady’s Discovering Your Soul Mission available on Amazon, which is a book about finding one’s purpose. The reason I’m recommending it is that Linda not only talks about soulmates, but generously shares an intimate portrait of her own love story with her soulmate Michael, which I think you’ll relate to. Forgiving infidelity was a big part of solidifying their relationship and they’re still together and strong 20+ years later.

    For another perspective, consider reading about clairvoyant Edgar Cayce and what he shared about infidelity. Here’s an easy to read summary: http://www.the-soulmate-site.com/forgiving-infidelity.html

    These are all ideas and perspectives to consider – not necessarily the truth. The truth for you…. lies solely within your own heart.

    Warm wishes and best of luck to you.

    Karen M. Black | July 23rd, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  13. Hi….I feel your pain. I was also “betrayed” by my ex-husband who cheated on me. I tried to forgive and forget. We did get along for a little while after his cheating but,….things were never the same between us.
    That “sacred Trust” was broken, it was very hard to make love to him and not wonder? Did her kiss her like he kiss’s me, did he touch her the way he touches me?. The Intimacy was somehow “tarnished” between us.
    Trust is a major component of a Solid Foundation in a relationship, once it has been breached, its almost impossible to rebuild. I’m not saying that it can’t be rebuilt just that its so terribly hard to do, you have to think about if this man is worth the work ,more importantly…don’t you deserve a Better man that will love you and would NEVER think of cheating on you?. Do you want the stress of worrying about him when he is out alone, or when he comes home late, wondering where he is or who he is with?…Its a hard one, Good Luck!

    Dianna23 | August 16th, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  14. THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO START THINKING ABOUT WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IN A MATE.. IF YOU WANT SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO PUT YOU IN THE CENTER OF HIS LIFE EXPERIENCE AND YOU FOR HIM THAN JUST KEEP THOSE THOUGHTS,.,. NO NEED TO ACCEPT REALITY.. USE YOUR HEAD (MIND) TO GET WHAT YOU WANT.. YOU WILL BE SURPRISED WHAT YOUR “DESIRES” WILL BRING YOU.. JUST IMAGINE THE GREAT AND TRUSTING MAN THAT YOU REALLY WANT AND A LITTLE AT A TIME YOUR PRESENT MATE WILL MOVE OUT OF THE PICTURE AND IN WILL COME MR. “COME HERE AND BE THE CENTER OF MY WORLD” GUY… JUST ROLL WITH IT…. EVIE

    EVIE | September 18th, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  15. My partner of 12 months left me for another man, a guy she was seeing before me. For the duration of our relationship, she was emotionally involved with this person, texting him and calling him and even seeing him (as I subsequently found out). She broke it off with me a couple of months ago, almost doing a complete 180 when compared to the declarations of love she had for me in June. There were times during our relationship I questioned her about this as my intution was telling me that she was seeing him and importantly she was not always present in the relationship. This was the start of the questioning of our relationship and whether I could trust her. Trust has been broken. I am moving on.

    I have since read “The Road Less Travelled” by M.Scott Peck. It was very timely and I was particularly drawn to the pieces on truth and love. In fact the whole book should be read by anyone willing to lead a concious and fulfilling life. It helped explain many things about why my partner was no right for me.

    Cameron | September 29th, 2010 | Comment Permalink
  16. leave him girl once a cheater always a cheater

    crittle camp | October 16th, 2010 | Comment Permalink

Post a Comment

If you want to show your picture with your comment, go get a gravatar!