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Mind Over Chatter: Diary of My 4 Tries at Meditation

Posted By Leslie Garrett On July 21, 2009 @ 11:04 pm In Health & Wellness, Personal Growth | 15 Comments

Peace Of MindAs much as it pained me to admit, meditation was not changing my life. I’d been curious about it for years, imagining that I would magically morph from a Type A, prone to loud laughter and occasional drama, into an ethereal entity whose “problems” would dissolve in the face of age-old wisdom. I would wear long, flowy clothes and speak in a gentle whisper. I would never sweat. Or swear.

But because my goals for meditation [1] seemed so distant and lofty, I put it off, waiting for a time in my life when it seemed achievable.

Attempt #1: Great expectations

When I had my first child, I tried meditation in hopes of reducing my anxiety about my abilities as a mom [2]. I tried being still. I tried focusing on my breathing. But in less than 30 seconds, I’d be fast asleep. And when I awoke, rather than feeling relaxed, my blood pressure skyrocketed. I had dirty dishes to do, smelly sleepers to wash, a baby to mother. I put it off again until I thought I could do it and stay awake at the same time.

Meanwhile my curiosity deepened. I read books about meditation. I grilled people who went on meditation retreats. I bought candles. Buddha figures. Meditation CDs. I became cozy with Jon Kabat-Zinn [3] and Deepak Chopra [4], whose books on meditating kept me company late at night in bed. I trained for meditation the way a runner prepares for a marathon. I was going to be an Olympic meditator … once I got started.

Attempt #2: Mutinous spine

Three children, two Buddhas, a half-dozen CDs, any number of meditation supplies [5], and 11 years later, I felt ready. I even had a gauzy skirt that would suit the new me. I prepared my meditation table. Lit some candles. Sat down, crossed my legs and closed my eyes.

Ouch. My legs no longer bent that way. Hmmm. I remembered reading that sitting cross-legged isn’t crucial [6], so I opened one eye and stretched my legs straight out in front of me.

Closing my eyes once again, I sat still. I’m sure I looked earthy in my skirt …. But rather than the beautiful straight-backed posture of the yoga-gurus I envied, I could feel my back bending like a question mark. “Sit tall,” I silently ordered my spine. It refused to cooperate for more than a minute, at which point I would teeter on my pillow like a drunk Buddha.

Attempt #3: Thought onslaught

Yoga [7] slowly helped me train my spine not to cave at the slightest exertion, and I felt ready to try again. My position seemed perfect. I lit my candles and focused on my Buddha, then closed my eyes.

“Did you remember to pay your property taxes?” asked my brain. I imagined a broom sweeping away the question. Then, like that crazy whack-a-gopher game at amusements parks, another popped up. “Isn’t it your turn to prepare snack for soccer practice?” And another. I sighed.

Attempt #4: Giving up — and getting the point

Then I came across the words of meditation teacher Rodney Yee [8], who advised us neophytes to “just sit.” [9] It’s that simple, he insisted. Give up the expectations. Give up the need for a certain meditation experience.

Really? It flew in the face of my goal-oriented personality. Skeptical, I nonetheless gave it a whirl. And guess what happened?

While I haven’t given up my Type A propensities completely, I nonetheless am now less inclined to let loose with a four-letter expletive. I’ve learned to listen to my body (though it’s prone to complaining). I’m very very slowly learning to simply be in the moment.

Article printed from Gaiam Blog: http://blog.gaiam.com

URL to article: http://blog.gaiam.com/mind-over-chatter-diary-of-my-4-tries-at-meditation/

URLs in this post:

[1] meditation: http://life.gaiam.com/gaiam/p/Meditation-101-Techniques-Benefits-Beginners-Howto.html

[2] anxiety about my abilities as a mom: http://life.gaiam.com/gaiam/p/Calm-Mom-5-Ways-to-Be-a-Present-Parent.html

[3] Jon Kabat-Zinn: http://life.gaiam.com/gaiam/p/How-to-Become-a-Mindful-Parent.html

[4] Deepak Chopra: http://life.gaiam.com/gaiam/p/Deepak-Chopra.html

[5] meditation supplies: http://www.gaiam.com/category/wellness-clinic/meditation-energy-practice.do?SID=WG107SPRTAPEMACS

[6] sitting cross-legged isn’t crucial: http://life.gaiam.com/gaiam/p/Do-You-Have-to-Sit-CrossLegged-to-Meditate.html

[7] Yoga: http://life.gaiam.com/gaiam/p/Yoga.html

[8] Rodney Yee: http://life.gaiam.com/gaiam/p/RodneyYee.html

[9] advised us neophytes to “just sit.”: http://life.gaiam.com/gaiam/p/How-to-Meditate-Just-Sit.html

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